The impact of positive relationships on a child

Children need security, to feel safe and loved. From Maslow’s ‘hierarchy of needs’ motivational theory to Bowlby’s psychoanalytical work on attachment and bonding, the fact remains well-established. Children thrive when they feel a sense of security from the adults around them. The EYFS Development Matters document highlights key themes and principles for practitioners involved in supporting the development of a child:

• A unique child – every child is a unique child who is constantly learning and can be resilient, capable, confident and self-assured
• Positive relationships – children learn to be strong and independent through positive relationships
• Enabling environments – children learn and develop well in enabling environments, in which their experiences respond to their individual needs and there is a strong partnership between practitioners and parents and carers
• Learning and development – children develop and learn in different ways. Practitioners teach children by ensuring challenging, playful opportunities across the prime and specific areas of learning and development

A positive relationship is defined as one which is:

• Warm and loving, and foster a sense of belonging
• Sensitive and responsive to the child’s needs, feelings and interests
• Supportive of the child’s own efforts and independence
• Consistent in setting clear boundaries
• Stimulating

—EYFS Development Matters 2012

A recent article in Psychology Today outlined 10 Routines That Will Strengthen a Parent-Child Relationship. The article is written by Dr Laura Markham, a well-known American contributor to parenting discussions and an author of parenting books using clinical psychology as a foundation for advice. Dr Markham identifies that ‘connection is as essential to us parents as it is to our children. We all crave those close moments with our children that melt our hearts. When our relationship is strong, it's also sweet, so we receive as much as we give. That's what makes parenting worth all the sacrifices. But, we're only human. There are days when all we can do is meet our children's most basic needs. Given that parenting is the toughest job we have, the only way to keep a strong bond with our children is to build in daily habits of connection. Here are 10 that don't add time to your day, but do add connection and could change your life.’ 

1. Aim for 12 hugs (or physical connections) every day As family therapist Virginia Satir famously said, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”
2. Play Laughter and rough-housing (rough-housing = active, physical play) keep you connected with your child by stimulating endorphins and oxytocin in both of you. Making laughter a daily habit also gives your child a chance to laugh out the anxieties and upsets that otherwise make him feel disconnected and more likely to act out.
3. Turn off technology when you interact Your child will remember for the rest of her life that she was important enough to her parents that they turned off their phone to listen to her. Even turning off music in the car can be a powerful invitation to connect, because the lack of eye contact in a car takes the pressure off, so children (and adults) are more likely to open up and share.
4. Connect before transitions Children have a tough time transitioning from one thing to another. If you look him in the eye, use his name and connect with him, then get him giggling, you'll make sure he has the inner resources to manage himself through a transition.
5. Make time for one-on-one time Do whatever you need to do to schedule 15 minutes with each child, separately, every day. Alternate doing what your child wants and doing what you want during that time. On her days, just pour your love into her and let her direct. On your days resist the urge to structure the time with activities. Instead, try any physical activity or game that gets her laughing.
6. Welcome emotion It can be inconvenient, embarrassing to you and usually happens when least expected. However, your child needs to express his emotions, or they'll drive his behaviour. Besides, this is an opportunity to help your child heal those upsets, which will bring you closer. So, summon up your compassion, don't let the anger trigger you, and welcome the tears and fears that always hide behind the anger.
7. Listen, and Empathise Connection starts with listening. Bite your tongue if you need to, except to say, "Wow!.... I see.... Really?... How was that for you?... Tell me more..." The habit of seeing things from your child's perspective will ensure that you treat her with respect and look for win/win solutions. It will help you see the reasons for behaviour that would otherwise drive you crazy.
8. Slow down and savour the moment You aren't just rushing your child through life, so you can spend a few minutes with him. Every interaction all day long is an opportunity to connect. Slow down and share the moment. When you're helping him wash his hands, put yours in the running water with his, and share the cool rush of the water. Smell his hair. Listen to his laughter. Look him in the eyes and meet him heart to open heart, sharing that big love.
9. Bedtime snuggle and chat Set your child's bedtime a little earlier with the assumption that you'll spend some time snuggling together. Those companionable, safe moments of connection invite whatever your child is currently grappling with to the surface. Do you have to resolve her problem right then? No. Just listen. Acknowledge feelings. Reassure your child that you hear her concern, and that you'll solve it together tomorrow. The next day, be sure to follow up – this is crucial to maintaining the connection and trust.
10. Show up Many of us go through life half-present. But your child has only about 18 summers with you before he leaves your home. He'll be gone before you know it. Try this as a practice: when you're interacting with your child, show up 100 percent. Just be right here, right now, and let everything else go. You won't be able to pull this off all the time. But if you make it a habit several times a day, you'll find yourself shifting into presence more and more often, because you'll find it creates those moments with your child that make your heart melt.