Insights | The world of parenting

Parenting. A multi million pound / RMB business. A myriad of theories on how best to raise your child, according to your personality (rather than theirs). Guidance and advice galore on what to do with this small human being comes from every form of media in existence. On Amazon alone, there are over 50,000 books relating to parenting. It is a complete minefield, to be navigated until the fledgling flees the proverbial nest to enjoy a happy and glorious life, at which point the parents are not too exhausted to enjoy the rest of their lives together. Or that’s how it’s supposed to be, right?  

 This insight is a republication of a Week Ahead from 2018. I believe that it is timely to remind every adult, not just parents, a child, by definition is ‘an immature or irresponsible person; a person who has little or no experience in a particular area’. Children are absorbing an enormous amount of information about the world around them. They are learning all of the aspects of language, how to negotiate space, problem solve, use their fingers more intricately, how to make things work, and how to bounce back when things don’t work. Whilst trying to figure out the boundaries and rules of life, they are also trying to understand what their feelings mean, why they react to certain situations in different ways and manage how they feel and how they behave. Historically, children were viewed as tiny adults, able to function the same as the larger version. Thankfully, over more recent decades, there has been a wealth of valuable research in to how children work – physically, psychologically, socially, emotionally and physiologically. We know that they are different to adults. We now understand that there are various phases and stages of childhood. Moreover, we appreciate that they are unique individuals.

   

 I remember the deal that I made with myself when I discovered I was pregnant with my first child: I was going to be the very best parent that I could be, and possibly better than anyone else who had ever been a parent before me. I had experienced success in my career, I was the youngest lecturer that Durham School of Podiatric Medicine had employed for one……how hard could this be? Armed with just about every parenting book in print by mid-2006 and with access to an abundance of information on the internet plus a variety of antenatal classes, my self-assuredness grew. I was on track to be supermum, I had it all planned down to the very last detail.

   

 Fast forward to early 2007 and my blessed child arrived – admittedly not quite in the way that I had planned, but hey, you can’t control everything right? Named after my father and one of the better-known biblical angels, he was an absolute cherub and was doted upon by all who encountered him. Life was good, being a mum was something that came naturally to me and I enjoyed every moment of it; the midnight feeds, the cute splashy baths, meeting my husband on the sofa at 04:30 for tea and biscuits whilst we doted on our son, snuggling him close in a papoose whilst out and about – it was all good. Going back to work was hard but, as supermum, I juggled my work and my family. My son went to a lovely nursery from nine months of age and he was cared for by wonderful people, whom I trusted implicitly. He was very social (for a baby) and had friends – even though they couldn’t talk to each other, I knew that he was popular due to the facial expressions and gurgling that took place. This was a clear sign that I was doing the right thing as a parent, surely. Fast forward to the summer of 2008 and my second child arrived. Not exactly planned, but these things happen, right? Being supermum, I was out of hospital the same day and back home with my family and in the garden with the angel. Life was more hectic however, once again, I juggled work, life and family. I took my second child to work with me at ten days old to present a programme I had designed to a University validation panel. I was supermum after all – this was what it looked like, I could feel it. My youngest son joined his brother at nursery and enjoyed being just as popular; popularity being measured by gurgles and smiles (did you know that wind also causes smiles and gurgles in a baby? I must have missed that in the books somehow). Life was perfect, my children were perfect, and all was fine and dandy until one day when I went to collect my boys and the news was delivered to me……

“YOUR CHILD HAS BEEN BITTEN BY ANOTHER CHILD”

What was this vicious attack against my two year old child? Had this other child sought him out? Was this an incident of pure bullying? Where were the staff? Was my child not being supervised? How could such a tragedy happen to my sweet, innocent and angelic……well, angel? Immediately, to my mind, this was clearly a consequence of poor parenting – had the parents of this tyrannical toddler read any books on parenting? Had they ever read any books? Were they encouraging such behaviour? Or was this a genetic predisposition to violent behaviour? Then came the moment of devastating clarity which, for me was a complete parenting game (and later career) changer……

“YOUR CHILD HIT THEM FIRST”

What? How could this possibly be? The books……I had read all the books……I was a good parent……I invested an enormous amount of time, effort, energy and love in to these little human beings who were my whole life. Is this how I’m repaid? By biting another poor, sweet, innocent child? This was NEVER part of the plan. fast forward ten years and Gabriel, now twelve, remains best friends with Lewis and his mum Jane remains one of my dearest and closest friends. That incident helped me to realise that all the books in the world cannot prepare you fully for parenthood but having an understanding group of friends around you can certainly help to cushion the blows. Knowing that others go through similar events is reassuring and whilst it doesn’t necessarily ease the sting completely, it certainly helps. You learn as a parent, and as a human being that whilst it is easy to judge others, it is simply not the right thing to do. The right thing to do is to take time to understand, appreciate and value the other side of the story, situation, opinion – whatever it may be. Children are learning every day about the world around them; they test boundaries in pursuit of security, of discovering right, wrong and consequences of actions. They repeat things that they have heard yet don’t understand. They react to situations without control because the constructs in their brain aren’t there yet. They can be completely irrational for the very same reason. Most importantly, they are learning how to behave, how to be, by modelling themselves on the adults around them. How they react to a situation will be a reflection of how we, as adults, react. The moral of my story? Don’t judge a child on his actions. Teach him a more appropriate way. Lead him in a different direction. Provide him with the right words to use. Don’t judge a parent on the actions of their child. Instead, offer support, a listening ear, a kind word, reassurance that it happens to the best of us (even those who once upon a time thought they were supermum and who now realise that being a mum who is trying her best is enough). Always bear in mind that one day, it might be happening to you. How would you feel? Postscript The only book that I kept and still refer to is one by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. It is titled How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. For me, it has some truly valuable gems for parents of children of all ages. It is old, first published in 1980. But it is sensible and practical and sometimes that is exactly what a parent needs ?