Insights | How can parents help their children resolve conflicts?

Have you ever read the comic series Father and Son created by German cartoonist E. O. Plauen? In one of the popular stories: ‘The kids are fighting and the parents are quarrelling’, two children pour out their woes respectively to their fathers after fighting with each other. While the two fathers continue to quarrel, defending their sons, the two children are already reconciled and are playing together again.  

 For pre-schoolers, their ability to express themselves has not yet fully developed, restricting their ability to communicate with others efficiently. Moreover, their thinking patterns are still in the ‘self-centred’ stage, where they can only consider a question from their own perspective without necessarily paying attention to others or showing high levels of empathy. Neither do they have the ability to accept or recognise others’ opinions at such a young age. Hence, any conflict with their peers should be seen as a conditioned reflex to protect themselves. Frequently, they will forget any argument or sense of displeasure that happened five minutes ago and will carry on playing with whoever they disagreed with as if nothing had happened. This is a normal psychological characteristic of young children. Through the process that starts from initiating the conflict to resolving it, they quickly learn how to understand and maintain relationships properly. As adults, we should be aware that there is an essential difference between conflicts undertaken by children and those of adults. Children’s fights are more like a kind of play, an essential learning process that teaches them the fundamentals of how to get along with others.   What should parents do when observing children’s conflicts?   1.Judge whether it is a ‘real conflict’ Although children may sometimes pull their peers’ arms or give them a slight shove, we need to know that usually they do not do this on purpose or mean to cause any conflict. It is likely that they may hurt their peers accidentally, because they do not know their own strength. As parents, we should remind our children that they need to protect themselves while avoiding hurting hurt others when playing games. Additional attention should be paid to safety and security. For children with an open personality, we need to nurture their sense of equality and respect. For children who are shy and introverted, a comfortable and relaxing environment should be created to motivate them to express themselves confidently. What is more, we also need to teach them to voice their inner feelings directly, which can help them to stop any behaviours that they may make them feel uncomfortable. For example, children can say: “I do not like it when you pat my shoulders.” Or, “You are hurting me. Please stop doing this.” Instruct children how they can handle exceptional situations in advance and encourage them to resolve disagreements by themselves. The key points are:

• Children should get to know the demarcation point between playing and real conflict.
• Children should treat others politely, avoid the escalation of conflict and try to be humble.

  2.Guide children to find out solutions to problems Parents should have an open mind when children ask for their help; it is better to manage their conflict instead of resolving it for them. You can ask your children: “What would you like me to do for you?” After listening to their thoughts, parents can afford their children opportunities to come up with some positive solutions by themselves. You should also ensure that your children know that you always trust and support them, telling them: “I know you will manage to deal with this conflict properly.” Teach them to resolve the conflict independently. The key points are:

• If your children should take the responsibility to apologise first, do not screen them from blame.
• If the responsibility lies with the other child, encourage them to be generous and to forgive others, while also underlining what behaviours are unacceptable.
• Parents should not restrict children’s interaction with others just because of previous conflicts. Instead, you should create more opportunities for them to play together so they can learn more quickly how to resolve conflict and play nicely together.

  3.Help children to practise their conflict management skills

• Role-play: This allows children to gain experience in resolving conflicts in a safe manner. No matter the personality of the child and their playmate, parents can create appropriate scenarios at home, familiarising their children with conflict resolution. Each time, children will understand a little better how to deal with disagreements by using different strategies. Instruction and practice are both necessary for them to develop good conflict resolution habits.
• Internalisation of rules: Teach your children the rules of friendly exchanges and make them understand what they should or should not be doing during play. For example; greeting acquaintances; asking people first if you want to join in a game or a conservation; discussing with peers how to take turns to play; asking for permission first if you want to play with others’ toys; having an appropriate attitude towards winning and losing; learning to motivate and cooperate with playmates, etc.

Every child has their own internal methods of learning how to get along with others. It may be difficult for adults to understand, but we also should respect their thoughts and opinions while giving them some license for resolving conflicts using their own instinctive methods. We believe that this will help them make more friends while encouraging them to be more responsible, generous and kind.